Hawks Defeathered: #feartheclaw

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April 16, 2013 by amiracle15

With but a pair of games to go in this inclement 2012/13 season, the Toronto Raptors face potentially the most difficult and consequential challenge of their entire careers: surpass John Hollinger’s infamous 33-win prediction so Casey and DeRozan can save face (well maybe not DeRozan; he might be more interested in a razor and some skin cream). The Raps currently sit at 32-48, which leaves them two options:

1) win both games, which are on back-to-back nights and both against playoff teams, and the Hawks will be actively competing to secure their hold on the #5 seed in the East. Level of difficulty: Primo.

2) tank both games just to avoid 33 and rub it in that genius Hollinger’s statistically significant face.

All I know is that we can’t afford to split the pair and end up 33-49–if we lose in Atlanta, Casey better shut. Things. Down. against Boston. I’m talking a starting 5 of Aaron Gray, Dominic McGuire, that ball sweeper who got conked in the head by Landry Fields, PJ Carlesimo’s beard and an assortment of unconnected wires and speakers from Quincy Acy’s house.

On a positive note, the Raptors have actually won 3 straight games, all against playoff teams with seeding to play for, which is pretty damn cool. We’ve won 5 of 6 overall, just like we did to finish off last season, cementing our reputation as the leagues undisputed #kings of garbage time. 

We’re also on national television tonight, due to yesterday’s tragic events in Boston, which means I can actually watch this one on TV. I’m excited; you’re excited; everyone’s invited!

Game on!


TNT Pregame

TNT starts with a classy introduction as Shaq and the crew say a few choice words. Charles Barkley’s voice is soothing.

They then devote the rest of the pregame show to the Atlanta Hawks, basically trashing on how they’re a team in no man’s land, always limping into the playoffs but no further. No mention of the red-hot Raptors TNT!?!? I see how it is.

1st Quarter

The Hawks have decided to all wear headbands for some reason, which makes Kyle Korver look like a 5th century Chinese Zen master and shoot like a samurai. Two treys for KK and in fact everyone’s getting into the shooting party, even Josh Smith!

Dwane Casey indicates to a deaf Raptors fan how many offensive plays he knows

That all stops with a DeRozan airball which is followed  a Jeff Teague teardrop. Meanwhile, I shed a teardrop for Dominic McGuire. We miss you Dom!!!!!! #rtzunite

It’s 24-21 Raps as Rudy Gay airballs a three, which peeves me to no end. Dude has a midrange stroke sweeter than John Lucas III’s love letters to his pet budgie, yet when he steps back three feet he decides to shoot it an extra thirty. Rudy, it’s not a different shot from three! Just lock and load! Good news is he overshoots so much it lands in the hands of Amir Johnson who lays it in. 28-23.

Amir Johnson with the block, his fifth of the quarter!!! Wow! Monster. 30-27 at the end of the quarter and Rudy Gay misses a runner that was more rushed than my paper on identity theory and the knowledge argument. Legitimate fact.


2nd Quarter

In his between-quarter interview with evolved chameleon Craig Sager, Dwane Casey remarks that the Raptors are “playing for pride right now… we’re looking to really develop our young core”. Seems about right as Ross and Acy are on the floor, but then again I’d like to double-check Quincy Acy’s birth certificate–or at least, his beard’s birth certificate. Pretty sure that thing is ancient.

I tell you what, Veggie Miller is really singing the Raptor’s praise, and thinks we’re primed to do some damage next year. However I’m not sure what sort of damage he’s talking about, and come to think of it where is Aaron Gray? I haven’t seen him yet. Is he at his “holiday” home in Boston? Noooooo!!!! oh wait there he is he’s on the bench

It’s 43-34 Raps as Rudy Gay swishes his second very very very long two of the game. Seriously, I think there’s a formation of undead Bargnani clones lining the three-point line that only Rudy Gay can see. Once he’s past those, he’s good to go.

I gotta say, only one of these teams looks like a playoff team, and it certainly ain’t the Hawks. DeRozan swishes a three and wow this is embarrassing for Atlanta. In their own building no less. I can’t wait to hear Kenny Smith say something about the Raptors in his Kenny Smith voice. It doesn’t even have to be something positive, and if he namedrops Quincy Acy I might just stop blogging. Just like I almost did when Quincy Acy replied to one of our tweets (speaking of tweets, why not follow the Bronas and the Whale verified twitter account, @BronasV? We’ll retweet you!).

Rudy Gay hits a three and draws a foul! Clearly he was reading this blog mid-game and made the shooting adjustment, or the line of zombie Bargnani’s smelled Primo Pasta and Sauce somewhere in the building and slowly lumbered towards it.

And another triple!!! Wow! 63-48, suck it Hawks!

DeRozan for three! McGuire for three! Ok not McGuire… *wipes tear*

Kyle Lowry drains two free throws to close out the half which puts it at 68-51; absolute annihilation.


TNT Halftime Show

EJ and the gang continue their all-out defamation of the Hawks, with literally zero mention of the Raptors. Grrr…

The featured halftime tweet is from @netw3rk, and honestly I’m a bit ticked because he made a joke about Hawks being evolved Raptors. Damn you @netw3rk, that joke was mine!!! Oh well, you live and learn. No biology jokes from here on out then.

I’ve got that Taylor Swift song “I Knew You Were Trouble” stuck in my head. Horrible artist/genre, great song. It’s now blasting through my speakers, just need Quincy Acy to come over and hook my laptop up to some actual speakers using, like, wires?

Wow, that is an awful intro to that music video, although not quite as bad as the halftime report.


3rd Quarter

Scrappy start to the second half, check that, crappy start to the second half. 70-58 as Kyu Koh-Va  hits a three. Then, something inexplicable happens: Kevin Harlan praises Ivan Johnson’s beard without mention of Quincy Acy. That petite lil fringe ain’t nothing compared to what Quincy’s rocking! Ugh, Raptors just get no respect, the Rodney Dangerfields of this league.

But Raps don’t care; we’ll let the score do the talking. Unfortunately scores can’t talk, stupid idiomatic language.

Is Johan Petro’s first name really pronounced “Joe-Han”, or is Kevin Harlan just non-functional? Yep, he is–he just took about 30 seconds to pronounce “Valanciunas”, settling (I kid you not) on “Vlln-chnniss”. National TV, folks. 89-70.

Some random banter about when Veggie Miller made his first dunk. Apparently it was one year later than his wife did. I assume her name is Fruit Miller, but I’m not 100% sure–do people actually “mill” fruit? Hmm, technicality. If you have a solution, leave a comment!

At the end of the third, it’s 96-75 Raps; DeRozan has 30 and Atlanta has no chance in the playoffs.


Fourth Quarter 

It’s garbage time so my thoughts wander elsewhere in the sports world and I’m caught wondering why exactly I have Lorenzo Cain starting in the outfield for my fantasy baseball team. Like, does he even have 20-homer potential? I’m not totally sold.

Speaking of non-existent potential, Landry Fields checks in. Apparently he’s been battling strep throat, which I take as code for “decaying basketball and/or life skills”. Why are we paying this goon multi-millions again? Oh right, to make commercials. Lol those PS Vita ads are the best.

In other basketball news, I can’t wait for the Lakers to be escorted into the playoffs by David Stern’s nefarious gang of bribe-devouring referees… go Jazz go.

Man, John Jenkins is such trash, as he clunks another jumper a la Landry Fields. Oh my goodness, he’s 2 of 13. Ok with that volume of shots he’s more Alan Anderson–my bad.

Finally, it’s over. That’s 4 in a row, folks, all against playoff-bound teams! Also 6 of our last 7, #feeltheclaw. Hollinger: get ready win for #34 tomorrow, bud. I hope you’ll be able to sleep tonight.

Game Bench: DeMar DeRozan had 30 points in just 28 minutes, although strangely he had no assists for the second straight night, just 1 rebound and  no other stats. Meh. Rudy Gay was also solid, contributing 22 points in 27 minutes. The pair continued their solid shooting from deep, potting 6 of 12 combined.

Game Toad: Amir Johnson 6 blocks nuff said

Game Goat: John Jenkins, who are you? Go play in Europe for a few years and then we’ll sign you and give you prime bench minutes.



Terrence Ross goes up for one of the many many many uncontested alley-oops on the night

Terrence Ross goes up for one of the many many many uncontested alley-oops on the night


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