Raptors beat Nets 93-87, dedicate win to Rod Black


April 14, 2013 by bronasvalanciunas


This isn’t a picture, it’s a video of Aaron Gray moving at top speed.

The Toronto Raptors managed to hang on against the Brooklyn Nets on Sunday afternoon despite the best efforts of Deron Williams. However, like many college students during exam time, my Sunday afternoon was not spent watching the Raptors, but rather in the library trying to bother other students with my frequent Alan Anderson impressions. I thus watched the game in about forty-five minutes after arriving home from what those in the manufacturing sector would call dinner.

When watching a basketball game in real time, one notices the little things more closely. You notice the distinctive rasp in Jack Armstrong’s voice. You notice how many days it’s been since Demar Derozan last shaved. You notice whether or not your life is slowly spiraling out of control, to the point where soon all you’ll have left is your perfect skin.

But when watching a game at twice-speed, lying on the ground with one tongue hanging out and both eyes glazed over, things take on a completely different meaning. Much like an optical illusion, what you originally thought were two dogs kissing now appears to be a middle-aged veterinarian giving CPR to his goldfish. Today, when speeding through the game, this is what I saw:

-John Lucas moving at regular speed moves as quickly as Aaron Gray moving at twice speed. John Lucas running the offense at twice speed looks like an ordinary point guard running the offense at regular speed. If that ordinary point guard were only interested in missing shots (though at least tonight they weren’t threes).

-Rod Black needs a break. I think it would be a nice gesture if Andrea Bargnani would take him to the spa for some facial revitalization.

-Not every day will go as smoothly as today for Demar Derozan. He entered the game full of confidence, fresh off winning Roll-up-the-Rim-to-Win at lunch, and never took his foot off the gas. When wiser basketball minds tell me that he took too many difficult jumpers today and didn’t drive enough, I’m going to put my fingers in my ears and pretend that all three of my grandparents are still alive.

-After squinting very hard at one particular freeze frame this game, I’m convinced that Landry Fields kidnapped Brook Lopez in his Playstation minivan today and put a shaved Robin Lopez in his place. Whichever Lopez was on the floor today was lethargic, inefficient and let out at least one bleat during the second quarter.

-In Jerry Stackhouse, Keith Bogans and Andray Blatche, the Nets possess three basketball players with great last names. I would trade my day job as a chicken sexer for a chance to be the Nets play-by-play guy in a heartbeat.

-Kyle Lowry, Rudy Gay, and Demar Derozan looked at their most cohesive today. Despite his poor shooting day, Lowry managed to grab enough rebounds and throw enough highlight reel alley-oop passes to make my inner child smile. Gay was smooth and didn’t make me cringe with his shot selection.

-I checked the boxscore after the game to confirm that Sebastian Telfair didn’t get any playing time. Is he really a worse option than John Lucas III, Dwane Casey?

-Aaron Gray came to play tonight. Even though it’s impossible not to look at him when he’s on the floor, making it difficult to follow the rest of the game, the dude brought down almost three hundred rebounds today and got maybe twenty, twenty-five brilliant dunks tonight. In all seriousness though, he redefined the words “suave” and “megalomania” out there tonight.

Final thought: Looking like a goat is better than playing like a kid. #wise


3 thoughts on “Raptors beat Nets 93-87, dedicate win to Rod Black

  1. amiracle15 says:

    The amount of inside jokes (or as we in the high tech sector like to call them, iJokes) in this post is unsettling. I’m tagging this as a Ruben Post

  2. Rubixcube says:

    “I would trade my day job as a chicken sexer for a chance to be the Nets play-by-play guy in a heartbeat”

    ^Just reinforcing your point. Lol, so yeah I’d agree with that one amiracle. But do my posts really have that many iJokes?

    • amiracle15 says:

      And the last line.

      Maybe not, but they do contain a considerably larger ratio of bench/hex content to Raptors content, and bench and hex are iJokes. iJoke, iJoke, all our posts have bench and hex! I joke, iJoke, joke joke I Joakim Noah guy that likes to hex dumbells

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