Raptors Get Demolished in Milwaukee, Fans Unsure Whether to Laugh or Cry

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April 7, 2013 by slewfeet


The last time we blogged about the Milwaukee Bucks, they unceremoniously crushed the Raptors in overtime, showing us the difference between a real playoff team and one that relies on Landry Fields for offense. It was a demoralizing and decisive blow to what little remained of the Raptors’ postseason hopes. Or, as we call it now, the good old days.

I’ll be straight with you – tonight’s game was shit, so we spent most of it watching Canada-Italy in Davis Cup doubles action. We came to the consensus that Pospisil is too skinny to be a frat boy and that Daniel Nestor is a national hero. After dropping a marathon 13-minute game, Canada managed to break the Italians and won the fifth set, 15-13. It was fucking awesome.

Once that ended, the Raptors were still losing in humiliating fashion so we switched over to Michigan-Syracuse in March Madness. I didn’t know any of the players’ names, but the yellow team looked pretty good.

Perhaps the night’s highlight was the makeup on Jack Armstrong and Sam Mitchell at halftime. Jack just looked incredibly rosy and smooth, with none of his typical liver spots and decrepitness – except for a spot they missed on his forehead that was pinker than a raw bit of steak. Sam was practically a wax model; it was absolutely caked onto him and honestly a little bit terrifying.

Alright, time to actually blog the game. The Raptors are down 30 points, meaning that the bench has been allowed to take over and try to cauterize this ugly, gaping wound. It hasn’t exactly been a downgrade though, as tonight’s starters have essentially been Jonas and 4 boat anchors he’s lugging around. I thought the Bobcats game was rock bottom, but today the Raptors have taught us a valuable lesson: things can always get worse.

The team, as it stands right now, is completely pathetic. They rolled over for Milwaukee right away like a flock of startled goats, and were palpably waving the white flag by halftime. I’m not sure what’s the more disgraceful performance – Rudy Gay shooting 1 for 10 and getting benched? Amir Johnson uncharacteristically going 1 for 7? Aaron Gray’s sloppy haircut?

How about key deadline acquisition Sebastian Telfair, now shooting 29% with the Raptors? He may be playing at well below replacement-level but we needed him for positional depth, damn it! Instead of having one of the league’s worst backup guards, we now have two of them, and that’s supposed to make a difference somehow!

The Raptors look completely defeated, and it’s only midway through the third quarter. I’m not sure when exactly they decided the game was no longer worth playing – maybe the dozenth time Monta Ellis made DeMar DeRozan look like a pylon on defense, or when Telfair was allowed onto the court. I’m pretty sure the last one’s an internationally recognized sign for surrender.

At this point, not even Milwaukee is pretending to care and we have one of the most listless games in recent memory. But suddenly, it’s a Quincy Acy three! Surely this is the greatest thing ever seen by mortal eyes. Maybe we can even use him on the perimeter from now on – he certainly can’t be worse at it than Rudy.

Clearly the Bucks feel threatened, as they bring out Drew Gooden to combat Quincy’s beard prowess. It isn’t working at all; Acy just keeps pounding away with some emphatic dunks and some inspiring spirit. The team is so energized that they actually go on a small scoring run – though I’m not sure it counts when you’re shooting over turds like Gustavo Ayon.

The game ends at 100-83, a score that makes the Raptors appear far more respectable than they actually were. Alan Anderson actually had a good line despite making just as many poor decisions as usual. More than once he took a contested shot before his team had even set up their offense and only scored on dumb luck … which made him easily one of Raptors’ best players tonight. As a bonus, he also brought his A-game in terms of stinkfaces.

As Sam Holako mentioned over on Raptors Republic, now is time to abandon ship and just let the young guns play. Would anyone really rather watch our veterans sleepwalk through the game than Quincy playing like his life depends on it? Mickael Pietrus has already been hospitalized with a terminal case of being shit at basketball; it’s about time some other guys join him.

Team Goat: It’s hard to single out just one player deserving to be called out on a night like this, but tonight Amir was the saddest clown in the circus. I’m being particularly hard on him because he’s usually the one guy who can be counted to carry the load when everybody else is sagging, and tonight he was smoked as hard as any other Raptor on the floor.

Team Toad: Aaron Gray got 30 seconds of game time to validate his existence. Good for him.

Team Bench: Quincy. Motherfucking. Acy. The only saving grace of this miserable season put up a career-high in points, and his exuberant play singlehandedly energized the team over the last quarter. That kind of valiance even in the face of certain defeat is future captain material (do those even exist in basketball?). Somebody get this boy some wires and speakers, because he’s earned it tonight.

If you liked this article, check out our other contender for most miserable game of the year. If you hated it, maybe try Casey being a Rudy Gay apologist.


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