Raptors blow out Pistons. Who cares.

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March 29, 2013 by bronasvalanciunas


Demar Derozan opens up the game with an unintentional elbow to the face/ nose bridge of Brandon Knight. Who nose whether or Brandon we’ll be okay?

Doug, who’s inexplicably listening to me as I make that awful pun, throws up violently in the corner.

Jack Armstrong’s away commentating on March Madness, leaving the Raptors faithful with Leo Rautins, god of comedy. He wows me with his deadpan.

In other news, the Raptors have let the Pistons take an early lead (13-4 Pistons) courtesy of a Calderon 3 and a very sloppy turnover by Kyle Lowry. I see what the Raptors are doing here, doling out a little Canadian kindness to the stumbling Detroit Pistons. It’s that sort of generosity that lays the foundation for a basketball dynasty.

Jose hits another 3 to make it 17-11 Detroit. Leo Rautins tries to give Toronto credit for his good 3-point shooting since coming to Detroit. Brandon Knight, now masked, has also come back into the game. His mask looks like part of some cheap breathing machine.

Jonas Jerebko just dunked on the Raptors. He brings some much-needed douchery to this match with an unnecessary, stupid-looking backboard slap. And also a boy band haircut and a fake tan. He gets a defensive rebound to end the quarter. Classic stat padding from Jonas J.

We’re now in the second quarter of the Raptors game, and its 25-17 Kansas over Michigan.  Don’t know or care what the Raptors score is.

Now it’s 28-23 Detroit, and Landry shows us what he’s all about with a missed reverse layup. He then picks up an uncontested defensive rebound, then a couple of minutes later flies through the air for an o-reb putback. Even though Landry is spilling awesome all over the court, Leo Rautins keeps going on about all these little things that Jerebko is doing. It sounds like Leo has a classic case of tan envy.

Dude, Fields just hit a jump shot. PLEASURE SEIZURE!!!!!!!!!!!

Jonas Valanciunas hits a mid-range two to put the Raptors up by one. Doug would be proud.

We switch back to that Kansas-Michigan game. McLemore has his head on one of the Kansas players’ chests, listening for any possible heart defects.

John Lucas does a random push-up and we have a tie ball game! 39-39. Editors Note: Those events were completely unrelated, and didn’t even happen at the same time.

Jonas Valanaciunas has had a solid game tonight, and just made a nice pass to Amir for an easy lay-up. Between them, Jonas and Amir have done 90% of the good Raptors things tonight.

A couple of minutes left in the half, and wise old Dwane call a timeout. Will he draw up a play here? Rudy isolation? Alan Anderson 3?

Something uneventful happened out of the timeout. It’s Detroit ball, we get a close-up of Kyle Singler’s skinny arms, and the first half comes to an end. Landry Fields seems to be pleased with the way his team played that half, and offers up high fives to all the Raptors teammates. BUT NO HIGH FIVE FOR YOU JOSE!!!!!!!!! Ha-HA!!

2nd Half:

The Raptors have started to flex their metaphorical biceps, and it’s now 50-45 for the boys from Toronto.

On the offensive end, Rudy gets hammered for about the fifth time this game. Matt Devlin’s choice of words, not mine.

During a short Intermichigan, we switch games and McLemore throws down a massive fast break dunk after what seems like the millionth turnover from the Michigan guards. Kansas up by 9. Doug had Michigan going to the final in his bracket. Safe to say he’ll be fracturing skulls tonight.

Valanciunas now takes a long two, intentionally misses and follows up to collect his own rebound and put it away. Some guys will go to great lengths to get that o-reb putback. Jonas is one of those guys. Landry fumes on the bench, as he’s been trying to pull off that play all year long.

The Raptors have opened up a 22-point lead, thanks to their guards heating up. Rudy’s hit a couple of 3’s and Lowry has thrown two nice alley-oops to Gay and Derozan. Not even Monroe turning tractor in the paint can stop the Raptors now.

Dear reader, if you have ever wondered what the Bronas Bloggers look like, amiracle looks exactly like the Kansas Jayhawks’ Kevin Young. But slightly whiter.

This is a blowout. Obvious observation. 91-64 Raptors courtesy of a second half shellacking of the Pistons. Now would be the time to call up Quincy Acy and give him a little bit of garbage time. Instead, Dwane Casey will probably just let Alan Anderson take shooting practice for the rest of the game.

Brandon Knight has taken off his mask, but has ended up on the ground anyway.  A more vindictive blogger would make fun of him for getting injured so often.

OOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! Burke with a 3 from WAAYYYYY Downtown!!! Tie game, boys!!!! 76-76 with 4.2 seconds left. FUCK YOU, KANSAS! FUCK YOU, DOUG! We’re going to overtime, boys.

The Raptors game is all but over. Aaron Gray still hasn’t gotten any minutes.

Game Goat: No one on the Raptors played absolutely terribly, so this award goes to Alan Anderson (He did miss five 3’s…).

Game Toad: Landry Fields. Because he amuses me.

Game Bench: Jonas Valanciunas. He even hit some jump shots (but without jumping).

Final Score: 99-82 Raptors.

Kansas have fallen apart in overtime (and leading up to it), and Michigan are up by 5 with 52.2 seconds left. Elijah Johnson pulls the Jayhawks to within two, but it’s not enough. MICHIGAN WINS!! I don’t have to look at your face anymore, Kevin Young!

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