Aaron Gray dominates, but Raptors lose anyway.


March 1, 2013 by bronasvalanciunas


Toronto Raptors vs. Indiana Pacers:

Kyle Lowry comes out as the shortest Raptor on the floor, but wearing the longest shorts. Hansbrough can be seen smirking at him on the bench (and brooding, waiting for his chance to shank Raptors’ players when the refs aren’t looking).

Halfway through the first, and Demar Derozan has decided to take matters into his own hands. He drives hard to the basket, and tries to dunk from the top of the key, only to be foiled by some fool on the Pacers, who decides that fouling a player is more important than game highlights. What do the Pacers know about basketball.  They don’t have the 2013 Slam Dunk Champion.

Now 11-7 for the Raptors, and we’re watching David West shoot free throws. Best goatee on the floor right now, and it’s enough to help him sink 1 of 2. Monstrous.

Gay drives hard to the basket, and misses the lay-up, no foul. Gay sits on the ground in despair, wondering what Mikael Pietrus ate for dinner last night. Mikael Pietrus watches from the comfort of the bench, wondering how he ended up in his suit this evening.

Bargnani has had a couple of good looks so far this quarter, and has missed them all (both on the floor and on his face?).

The Pacers end the quarter hot, and leave the quarter having held the Raptors to their lowest first quarter points total of the season. 17-13 Pacers.

The Raptors roll out the bench brothers to start the second (and at the end of the first), and so we get a breath of fresh air in the form on John Lucas, Terrence and Alan Anderson. Anderson’s first contribution is to drive and then shockingly pass the ball out to John Lucas on the perimeter. Lucas sinks the three, using his recently shaved head to correctly judge the wind in the arena.

The Pacers come right back via Orlando Johnson, who’s named after the city in which he had his first ice cream sundae. All Alan Anderson can do is stinkface and point at his teammates’ pathetic defense.

Hansbrough’s  on. Fucking Hansbrough.

After a small Hansbrough related brawl in the Bronasdome, the Whale calms us all down enough to start rewatching the Raptors game. The Raptors’ are on offense now, and Andrea bobbles it, and passes it off the Derozan. Derozan blows by his man with the speed of a raging musk ox, and exerts roughly half his energy trying to dunk the basketball. Gets fouled. Shoots foul shots.

Landry Fields looks two shades darker since I last saw him. He really does have a perfect skin tone for tanning.

This stingy officiating crew just called Rudy Gay on a travel, the Raptors’ second of the game. Ridiculous decision. No one ever travels in the NBA.

Andrea hits a mid-range jump shot. Pretends it’s no big deal. He celebrates by phoning Sportsnet and requesting the Rafa Nadal poker ad. Request accepted, Andrea. Request accepted.

Kyle Lowry prevents the ball going out of bounds with an intelligent inbound save. He can’t prevent the Raptors turnover though, as the ball goes right to Rudy Gay. It leads to 2 easy fast break points for Paul George.

If I lived in Toronto, I would never buy tickets to a Raptors game against the Pacers, because they’ll never score enough points to get the fans free pizza.

Jonas Valanciunas, who clearly drank a little too much out of Kleiza’s flask before the game, sets a screen on defense and takes out Kyle Lowry, who immediately falls to the floor and retreats to the fetal position.

End of quarter: 39-34 Pacers.

Halftime Highlight: Back to back pulled pork related ads. Helped to distract me from Rod Black’s creepy smile.

Amir Johnson racks up his fourth foul quickly in the third, so Casey puts Andrea Bargnani back on the floor. The crowd, eager to see their favorite player back in action cheers wildly for the maverick Italian.

Now 47-41, David West gets his first opportunity to wrestle the ball away from an unsuspecting Raptor. West lives for these moments. Still feeling the high on that possession West becomes delirious in the post and allows Andrea to steal it from him with a fast right hand.

Dwane Casey, realizing the need to bring on a large white man, throws Aaron Gray in the mix. He immediately swings the momentum of the game with the purtiest offensive lay-up I have ever seen. GRAYNATION! BOW DOWN TO HIS GRAYNESS!

Gray, who in all sincerity is the only Raptor who can handle Roy Hibbert, throws Hibbert to the ground and then screams. YOU MONSTER AARON GRAY!

Speaking of big white men, Andrea Bargnani gets another steal in the post, and then completes a sexy step-around on offense to rattle in a bucket.

The Pacers just keep on rolling, and get some luck from the refs as well, as they award Indiana a basket when the shot was taken after the whistle. With a couple of seconds remaining, the Raptors go to their go to play, an Alan Anderson 3. It went as one would expect.

End of quarter: 64-51 Pacers.

The Raptors keep on sliding to start the fourth. Can Rudy Gay save them? Can they push the game to overtime in order to get 100 points for fans pizza? Time will tell.

Landry Fields looks like a sad baby on the bench. The only thing that will turn that frown into a smile is a Raptors win. Not even. Landry needs a double double.

Tyler Hansbrough looks like he’s wearing cross trainers. And his mouth guard is two sizes two large.

The Raptors, though down 18 with 5 minutes left, are throwing the kitchen sink at the Pacers. That means Terrence Ross, Johnny Luke, and the majestic Quincy Acy. SHOWTIME! Let’s just hope the rest of this game doesn’t turn into Alan Anderson shooting practice.

David West gets awarded player of the game, and Jack Armstrong goes on about all his attributes for a good minute or so. I can sum him up in one word: Jacked.

Quincy Acy steals the ball in the back court, and then goes in for a massive two-hander. A minor consolation.

Final Score: 93-81 Pacers.

One thought on “Aaron Gray dominates, but Raptors lose anyway.

  1. amiracle15 says:

    There’s not a single skin-tone that wouldn’t suit Landry Fields; he’d make a great before-and-after model for a spray-tan company. As far as basketball goes, you’re looking at the 2013 NBA champions here, so 12 points ain’t bad.

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