Two Teams Desperate for Wins, One Landry Desperate for a Double-Double


January 18, 2013 by amiracle15

Quincy Acy asks Dwane Casey why Landry Fields needs to wear a shooter's sleeve. Not even Dwane knows.

Quincy Acy asks Dwane Casey why Landry Fields needs to wear a shooter’s sleeve even though he never takes jump shots.

Here we are in the Bronas Dome ready for the game. Unfortunately Jack Armstrong isn’t quite as ready. Jack is paler than paper and he is barely able to cough up the words he is laboring to speak. He sounds like he aged 20 years since I last heard him last week.

1st Quarter:

Amir Johnson is never going to win a jump ball. The game is underway.

Landry Fields with a massive put back dunk.

Sorry, I missed some of the action there. I was too busy marveling at Jack Armstrong’s voice and how hoarse it sounds. Well now it’s 10-7 Raptors.

Now even Jack’s making fun of his own voice, saying it is a mix between ….

Ed Davis practices his goal tending after the whistle has been blown.

(MGD!! ad)

Oh god, I think I just burped up some of that booster juice smoothie I just drank—precious protein almost lost there.  Anyways, back to the game…

Some back and forth offence and now it’s 14-11.

Landry takes a much needed break, and now Anderson is in. Landry is going to need at least 46 minutes to get his double-double, so he’s already losing precious seconds just sitting there, looking like Wyatt-Cenac and Drake.

21-18 Raptors and time in the 1st is winding down. Acy is in! Acy has been a key player in the Raptors line up lately, and I think it’s a wise decision to be giving him some 1st quarter minutes.

Acy gets a D-reb. Then Lowry nails a three.

Last play of the game: Lowry drives, kicks it out to Anderson—this is looking good—but alas! An offensive foul is called on Lowry. The score is 28-20 Raptors.

Thrilling 1st quarter stat: 71% FG shooting for the Raps.

2nd Quarter:

Second quarter opens up with Anderson attacking the rim and finishing strong.

QUINCY ACY BLOCK! I’m telling you, this guy is crucial.

Quincy Acy on the other end with an enormous dunk put-back. Wow. His confidence and quality of play is through the roof.

34-20 now. Acy seems to often have a positive impact on the Raps’ play.

Hawes has disgusting looking hair. And he is only a tad bit better than Aaron Gray (yes, that was NOT a compliment).

And now we’re watching “Word Girl”… man, I can’t believe one of our Bronas bloggers (I won’t name names for the sake of mitigating embarrassment) used to watch that shit. Even if he WAS a kid.

Now back to the game. A quick interlude with Alan Anderson telling an anecdote about losing a tooth in a bar fight. He really has got to stop hanging out with Kleiza. I think the most remarkable thing about the story is that he looked in a mirror, and didn’t flinch.

Jack Armstrong is on his death-bed.

Ross “feeling it”! (Matt Devlin’s words). He hits a huge 3.

Wow, the camera went REALLY shaky going into the commercial break there. Who the hell is the cameraman? The guy who filmed Cloverfield or something?

45-33 Raptors. Ross’ 3 rattles out. Devlin tries to justify it by saying it “almost went in”.

Amir to Davis, and Davis with a powerful dunk AND gets fouled. I feel like Amir and Davis really make a very effective duo. Great stuff!

Lowry gets backside attacked from Richardson while Lowry tosses up the 3. I think Richardson wants to come out of the closet, but he just doesn’t know how.

“Deh deh deh deh” says Jack Armstrong… correction: “Smart play that time”. Jack Armstrong currently needs a translator because there’s no fucking (excuse the language) way he’s speaking English right now. No offence to Jack by the way. He’s a great guy. He brings a lot of energy and positivity and all, but he really should’ve sat this one out.

BREAKING NEWS: Sherman Hamilton will be subbing in for Jack Armstrong shortly. I think we can all agree that is a HUGE relief.

Amir, long range 2. 60-43 Raptors. They’re doing really well.  And that’s how it ends at the half.

Oh man, I feel sorry for JL cubed. He has become a forgotten man these days. Acy is getting all the thunder.

3rd quarter:

Sherman Hamilton is in da house!! Woot! This quarter is going to be ELECTRIFYING!

I feel appalled as to how bloody ugly Davis’ shot form is. Someone has to teach him how to shoot. I would volunteer if it wasn’t such a hopeless case.

I think Devlin fantasizing about T-Ross in the dunk contest is making him all wet. I’m sick of this constant chatter about T-Ross in the dunk contest. Just shut up and let him tear it up.

Philadelphia are on a 12-0 run. The Raps are falling apart. I’m not going to say it was Sherman Hamilton that caused this… But, it was Sherman Hamilton coming on that caused this.

KYLE LOWRY!!! Tosses up a circus shot just before the shot clock buzzer, and banks the 3! Wow. Incredible.

I’m so sick of our Raps commentators whining about every call. Matt Devlin has a whiny, temper tantrum every time there is a questionable call.

71-64 Raptors. Nick Young with a really nice off-balance shot. This is only a 5 point game now. The Raps have to step their game up.

2 point game now: 71-69. Shit. This quarter is 26-11 for the sixers so far.

Field goal percentage for Philly is 71% while Raps is only 26%. Stats reversal big time.

Quarter comes to a close with a T-Ross toss up. 73-72 going into the 4th

4th quarter:

It’s only a matter of time before Matt Devlin brings up that stupid stat about the Raps winning games if they keep the other team under 100. He talks about it like he’s cracked some sort of secret code. Well does the stupid “Law of Devlin” still apply to overtime? Bet he didn’t think that one through. Matt Devlin, talk less and stop whining.

82-76, 9:25 left to go.

Some stuff happened… and now it’s 88-80.

VERY questionable three by Anderson. I really think he shoots way too many threes. I’m not saying he’s such a bad three shooter, but he should try to take threes when it actually makes sense to.

A lopsided jump ball is tossed towards the Raptors side and of course Devlin has NO complaining to do.

Davis finishes off Anderson’s garbage, 92-82.

Garbage offence by the Raps and now the game is at 92-88. This is going to be a tense finale.

Lowry with a terrible pass, and the Sixers get another 2. 92-90.

1:22 left in the quarter and it’s 94-90 Raps.

And now the refs have engaged in a grueling session of video review. Fuck. Honestly, I just hate this part of the game.

Ugly attempted alleyoop by the Sixers. Good thing they suck also.

Lowry deep 3 misses

Chaotic offence by the Sixers and it ends with a throw down by Fatty Young


Pietrus looks like a sad baby watching this game.

Free throws for Andy. Makes the first. (8.8secs on the clock). Second made. Anderson puts the raptors in a more comfortable position at 96-92.

Commercial break.

Hawes with a put back. 2 point game.

Ed Davis on the sideline practicing his Alan Anderson signature ‘stink face’.

Raps can’t manage the inbound as Jose tosses to Anderson who gets pushed out.

Anderson throws the darkest stink face I’ve ever seen.

Holiday ties it up. 96-96. OT coming up. Dammit! I don’t want to keep writing this post.


Lowry turns it over and Philly’s up by 2.

Lowry takes a ridiculously long 3 and inevitably misses.  ShermHam is not impressed.

Lots of scrappy play.

Derozan misses a 2

Hawes sucks donkey balls and misses

Jose! Puts up a 3, and now it’s a 1 point game

Philly returns the 3 and now it’s 103-99 Sixers

Holiday gets a cheap 2. Absolutely garbage defense.

105-99, and I’ve lost all hope.

Amir misses the grab, I thought the pass by Anderson was good. Apparently it took a tip off Hawes. I think Amir should’ve had that.

Side note: who are these punk ass kids with the 76ers hats hanging off their thick skulls?

Now the Raptors clumsily fall all over the place for the inbound. They get another kick at the can and it’s 105-101. 4 point play by Aaron Gray? I think it’s possible, if not likely.

Derozan launches a 3, misses.

107-101. This game is over. Dwane Casey is ready to bite the head off of one of those douchebags with the 76ers hats hanging off their thick skulls… Game over.

Final score: 107-101 Sixers

Team Bench (Good): Ed Davis

Team Toad (Quirky): Lowry, a roller coaster performance.

Team Goat (Poor): Demar Derozan, he has way too much talent to be playing like that

Thanks for all who read this. I barely made it through the game myself.


One thought on “Two Teams Desperate for Wins, One Landry Desperate for a Double-Double

  1. slewfeet says:

    Breaking News: Shitty Team Beats Shittier Team

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