Sixers come to town, are mediocre


January 9, 2013 by amiracle15

Two men are in this picture. One of them is Landry Fields

Landry Fields, showing a half-centimetre of compression shorts. Scandalous.

First off, about the Rudy Gay trade rumors—yes, yes, absolutely, we should nab Gay. Dump Calderon, Fields (if we can) and maybe Ed Davis. Just saying.

Raptors starting lineup: Fields in, Pietrus out. Seeing as it’s a scientific fact that Raptors play better coming off the bench, I’m expecting at least 5 treys from Ol’ Pete.

Some good defense and a bucket from a Wyatt Cenac-Drake hybrid (we call him Landry Fields). And then he makes two high school turnovers, playing more like how I imagine actual Drake would play. 14-10 Raptors.

Ed Davis! Slow but steadily, #steadyeddy is going to become a trending topic on twitter. Actually no, that’s the complete opposite of how twitter trending topics work. Speaking of twitter, why not follow the Bronas and the Whale twitter account (@bronasv), which is tweeting at this very moment (how is this accomplished? Magic probably).

Leo Rautins just called the Raptors’ defense “flat”. His commentary is flat, so there.

Good idea bringing Alan Anderson on early, he’s doing well these days. Aaaaand he drives to the hole. I’ve always said he’s a better driver than shooter.

Rautins talking about the point guard controversy. Take note: throughout the past 9 or so seasons, the Raptors have brought in multiple point guards who’ve eaten into Jose’s minutes, but mysteriously he hasn’t gone away. Further evidence to back up my theory that he’s a half-pigeon half-black magic illuminati sorceress.

And that’s the end of the first quarter, can’t say I’ve taken much of it, I presume we’re winning because the timbre of Matt Devlin’s voice is more chipper than usual.

2nd quarter sees the entry of Nick Young into the game, along with his glorious fro and rocket red shoes (which Leo Rautins doesn’t like because he’s vanilla).

Amir Johnson may have removed his Raptor-themed hairdo, but he is rocking two wristbands, one black one red. I love wristbands. I don’t know where this is going.

Ahaha Evan Turner with the fast break travel. Gotta be like Amir Johnson and sneak those things under the radar.

38-34 Raptors as Dorell Wright sinks the two. Whatever happened to him?

Alan Anderson gets whistled for a foul, altering his facial appearance from “disgusted” to “appalled”. Mine is “amused”.

Potential video idea: compilation of Aaron Gray bloopers and shortcomings (so basically, Aaron Gray footage), call it “50 shady plays of Gray” or something. We’ll work on that title.

42-40 Raptors at the half. Leo Rautins credits the mediocrity of the 76ers for the lead. That’s vintage Raptors: stomping on sloppy teams. Got us 5 wins in a row!

Halftime show: we just outed Scott Skiles as ex-military, a former football coach and an owner of stubby arms. These assertions may or may not be factual, or relevant.

3rd Quarter (let’s actually win this one)

I don’t wanna be mean but none of those kids in the hockey teams for that god-awful Scotiabank ad are going to make the NHL. And if they do the NHL will probably have disbanded into a rogue assembly of underground bootleg leagues.

Back to basketball: Fields with a season-high in rebounds! Good for him; I’m glad he’s emerged from the hole he put himself in to start the season.

And it’s tied at 45.

Jose Calderon drills a relatively good jumper and then lets out a mammoth cry, which Leo Rautins interprets as frustration. I don’t know about that Leo, but hey—I don’t have highlights in my hair.

Ohh yeah Jose’s coming alive. He does have one of the league’s best pick and roll jimmies.

Whoa—am I seeing things or did Landry Fields just sink a jumper?

Hey now, we’re up 7 on the strength of a suddenly-vibrant offence (actually just Jose Calderon jumpers, but points are points. And as we all know, numbers never lie).

Kyle Lowry and Alan Anderson would make a monster wrestling team.

4th quarter

Interesting stat: the Raptors starting lineup is outscoring the bench 62 to 9. That has got to be the biggest differential of the season, although it makes sense given the injuries.

I’ve come to the conclusion that this game is overwhelmingly uninteresting, but you know what they say play ugly win ugly.

And we’re just cruising here, Amir Johnson running amok in the paint. Quite the line for him: 19 points, 12 rebounds and 5 assists (including a beautiful behind-the-back dime to Ed Davis in garbage time). His stats as a starter are off the charts, and numbers. Don’t. Lie. #fact

Goofball play of the week: Landry Fields getting an alley-oop with the game sealed and the game clock under 20 seconds to get his 9th and 10th points. That gives him a double double, and numbers do not lie.

Game Bench: Amir Johnson, Jose Calderon and Landry Fields, all getting double-doubles. To be fair, they pretty much played the whole game.

Game Toad: Kyle Lowry, for ditching his one-armed t-shirt.

Game Goat: Mickael Pietrus—another goose egg from Ol’ Pete. Can’t say I’m shocked.



3 thoughts on “Sixers come to town, are mediocre

  1. Enjoyed the recap, especially the blatant self-promotion of the @BronasV twitter account (which is both funny and insightful, and thus well-worth following).

    • slewfeet says:

      If I’d known he was going to give it a shout-out, I probably would’ve tried to tweet more than twice before falling asleep.

    • amiracle15 says:

      Thanks for the picture; I swear I put one in but it got phased out somehow. At least I got the featured image in.

      I wonder how many followers we would have accrued had Ruben put a twitter promotion in his 500-view post

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