Five Alive!


December 21, 2012 by amiracle15

Jonas Valanciunas in the post

Toronto Raptors vs. Orlando Magic

Gettin’ to the blog in medias res, Jose Calderon sticks the 3-ball and we’ve got ourselves a 17-10 Raptor lead. We’re also up 1-0 in the critical team-themed haircut statistic.

John Lucas enters the game, lauded by Jack Armstrong for his defense, peskiness and for “playing within himself”.

Gustavo Ayon… is not receiving any male-modeling contracts in the near future.


Terrence Ross drills a three that two-thirds of the room agrees was definitely “sketchy”. Armstrong translates that to “confident”

Speaking of confident, how about Jack Armstrong belting out a rendition of “Jingle Bells” mid-Devlin. Also how about the new Bronas and the Whale Christmas theme?

Valanciunas out with a ring finger injury in the first. His four and a half minutes are probably around his season average though.

Terrence Ross switches from basketball to baseball halfway up his dunk and throws the ball across the floor to JJ Redick.

Matt Devlin: it’s Afflalo. Not “A follow”. Pronunciation, man.

Jameer Nelson has “family” tattooed on his arm. Cor-ny!

Haven’t really been keeping track of the score; the Magic can’t score much so I assume we’ll win this one. 32-24 Raptors with 5 and a half to go.

Philosophical question: would you rather hit a jump shot or miss it, get the O-reb and lay it in?

If Calderon spent three days on the street, it’d look like he’d spent 30. #fact

Magic climb back to within 3 on the strength of incessant Kleiza missed field goals. Also, we don’t have an answer for Gustavo Ayon. “Ayon that defensive rebound!” says the second-year center. 7 points and 5 boards for him.

Jose Calderon leads a very weird fast break for the Raps, ending up in a difficult alley-oop layup by Derozan. Next possession, T-Ross with the 3-sauce! Smoove.

Quincy Acy sighting! His beard is still luscious, his playing time not so much. To end out the half, Amir Johnson misses the easy lay-in, whateva whateva. At the half its Raptors 42 Magic 39.


This “Santa Leo” halftime segment is absolutely atrocious. This Christmas I’m wishing for better halftime festivities and for the prompt firing of Rob Black.

Another broadcast-related complaint: the Canadian Club whisky guy should be renamed “the most punchable man in the world”. I don’t always grow chest hair and drink whiskey, but when I do, I make cringe-inducing commercials that air 10 times a game.

Ok, 3rd quarter, Valanciunas out for the game. Jack Armstrong decides that this is Ed Davis’s make-or-break opportunity, despite the fact that Valanciunas doesn’t even play in the 2nd half normally.

Andrew Nicholson on the Magic… watch out for this guy in the future. Armstrong compares him to, no joke, Cornbread Maxwell. Who? Today I learned basketball was played in the early jazz era.

51-45 here midway through the quarter. Raptors are just consistently a little bit better than the Magic, and I would at this point be moderately disappointed with a loss.

58-53. Jameer Nelson has been extraordinarily underwhelming and Orlando has 13 turnovers.

With his limp wrists, Calderon has the aura of a fickle gay fashion designer.

End of the 3rd, 71-62 Toronto.


So Jameer has a “family” tat, and E’twaun Moore has “family-first”. They should go join Quincy Acy’s fatherhood brotherhood.

Terrence Ross!!!! I swear every time I blog T-dot flight 31 makes at least one massive exclamation-point worthy highlight. Let’s just say today’s putback dunk did not disappoint. Raps by 8.

Major major news here: Lucas might get into double-digits.

Terrence Ross!!!! Again! Three-ball and then a huge fast-break slam followed by big0time praise from Jack Armstrong, who sounds like he’s drunk off MGD. 87-78.

91-83, looks like we’ll just cruise to a solid victory.

Ooh, Jose Calderon wants to widge me a happy holidays!

“Matt, if you ever play chess… I’m a checkers guy, obviously…” – Jack Armstrong

Uh-oh, 4-point game with a minute left. Dwayne Casey says that’s enough thank you very much, puts on Mickael Pietrus. Aw shit, Nelson drills the 3, its 91-90, Pietrus off.

Out of the timeout Derozan misses but Amir grabs the board and gets fouled, sinks both. So, I’ve seen this scenario before–Raptors up 3 late. Remember Al Jefferson, anybody? Blocked it from your memory? That’s excusable.

And the Magic come up short. 5 in a row, folks!

Team Bench: (MVP) Terrence Ross, exhibiting his trademark combination of only 3’s and dunks. But boy were those dunks choice.

Team Toad: (Quirky performance) Mickael Pietrus, for some of the laziest play you’ll see from an NBA player, yet he manages to be somewhat helpful defensively. Very sneaky and efficient with his movements, like a lizard in the winter.

Team Goat: Kleiza. He needs to retool his shot a bit.



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