Rockors and Raptets


December 16, 2012 by amiracle15

Thus begins the alternative gameday analysis. Read the other on

e that I believe is being scribed at this very moment (editor’s note: nope, this is all you’re getting) for your more mainstream Bronas and the Whale fix.

1st Epoch

Calderon swish de basketball. 4 shillings to nil.

I swear Joe Crawford refs every single NBA game I watch ever. Get outta my dreams, Crawf.

8-0 and the Rockors call a cease-fire. 4 interceptions for the Raptets already.

Omer Asik is so gangly and out of control. He’s like Bargnani but doesn’t shoot and eats less pasta and sauce. He also has that oversized pre-pubescent girl look about him. Must be great with the damsels.

HOSE A!!!! Another trey, some late in the clock heroics from the pidgeon. Then a steal, he and Derozan have come out firing.


Pietrus must have, like, a <20 layup rating on NBA Live…he almost goofed a wide open opportunity just now (in fairness it was with his left hand) and I’ve seen him shank ’em before. 22-15 Raptets despite their 6 violations to the Rockors’ 1.

Alan Anderson on and the Rockors drill back-to-back threes and its 24-21. Coinky-dink? Methinks not.

Aaaaand we’ve lost the lead. Alan Anderson gets to the stripe, but Carlos Delfino….oh god that jumper is a thing of beauty. 28-26 Rockors.


2nd Epoch

Terrence Ross!!!!! Get that garbage outta here!!!!!!

And then with the self-O-reb-putback. 32-30 Rockors. John Lucas is on and he drills the 3 point attempt. Ok John Luke, I see you.

Oh boy, Chandler Parsons 3, T-Ross 3, John Lucas III 3. Wowza! That must be a career-high for JL3, no? Raptets take the lead. I foresee this game staying close for awhile.

Heidi-ho, Raptets up 45-37 from an AA layup and Amir Johnson hook. Then James Harden just decks Amir Johnson like it ain’t nothing, gets free trows.

Oh my god I’ve finally figured it out–John Lucas III looks like Aziz Ansari

47-45 and Jeremy Lin puts it in, Hose A answers right back with the fade. Good game here. Tied up at 49 on a Markus Morris short jimmy. And then Ed Davis blocks Lin!!! Bargnani style. Oppan Bargnani Style? Hey there’s a good idea. Potential project.

Anyway that’s how it ends. Knotted, let’s see what happens.


3rd Epoch

Missed a bit, 60-57 Raptets. Harden turnover, man the Rockors have been really sloppy today. 64-59.

Ed Davis, folks.

Hose A is doling out a series of great passes here in the 3rd. Glad to see the Raptets not choke to death in this quarter like they’ve been known to.

Linas Kleiza with the 15-foot hook shot attempt. Needless to say, a miss, although admittedly better than the subsequent Toney Douglas airball. Asik then misses a dunk, the clumsy oaf. 79-73 Raptets.

Jack Armstrong needs to say “razzle dazzle!” more.

Alan Anderson drains two threes and Matt Devlin can’t stop harping on about how shocking this is considering how bad he’s shot thus far in the season. Whatever, he’s hitting them today and we’re up 9. For the record though, AA should stick to driving, I think he’s better at that. Derozan-type mold.

Speaking of mold, does Calderon ever shave that shrubbery on his chin? Actually come to think of it, pretty much all the Raptets have facial hair. Whoa, mind = blown.

Actually check that, Pietrus is clean. Maybe aliens don’t grow goatees. Classless bastards. Who do they think they are? I bet they listen to Bruno Mars and wear oversized sunglasses.

Two Raptet charges taken, Parsons then gets an and-1, we’re still up 7 though with 3 to go. It’s Nestlea crunch time. Will we do the unthinkable and……wait for it…… win two in a row? I’m on the edge of my seat but that’s cause I’m typing this write-up and that’s the most comfortable and productive position to assume.

Uh oh, 4-point game. Ross goofs two free throws, splendid. Delfino air show and Hose A gets a pair, 4-point game with a minute left. Delfino jumper, 2-point game. Crap crap crap. Ok, Hose A puts it to four, capping off a stellar game from the prolific pidge. 19.7 seconds left.

Sketchy rebound, sketchy intentional foul sends AA to the line. I predict misses.

Ok, he hits the first.

And the second. Yeeeaaahhh.


Game Bench: (MVP) Jose Calderon. 18 points, 14 assists and (shit, I didn’t even notice) 10 rebounds. A very legit triple double! Phenomenal effort in the absence of Kyle Lowry. Fly, pidgeon, fly.

Game Toad: (Interesting performance) Alan Anderson dropped 23 to lead the team, including some wonky drives. Good to see.

Game Goat: Two-way tie between Kyle Lowry and Andrea Bargnani. So, the Raptets have now won two straight with both of them out of action. Those are two of the Raptets’ six wins. Andrea, think about yourself and your role with this team.


One thought on “Rockors and Raptets

  1. slewfeet says:

    Whoops, I forgot to wake up to do this blog. This recap is awesome though, so I’m not sorry.

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