Raptors (3-13) vs. Suns (7-9)


November 30, 2012 by amiracle15



Ok, it’s game time playas. I’m reporting live from Cardiff, Wales (shwmae!), further solidifying the fact that the Raptors are EARTH‘s team. In case you haven’t been following the Raptors of late, we’re in a wee little bit of a rough patch. We’ve now dropped six in a row, albeit respectably for the most part. And speaking of rough patches, this will be the last broadcast in which Matt Devlin gets to flaunt his Movember moustache, so let’s all have a moment of silence in honor of his grimy and grubby growth. Ok that’s enough, return to hex-holding (the Bronas and the Whale™ recommended mid-game activity. A great workout that requires no space or movement).

Back and forth to start. And-1 from Markieff Morris. Sounds like his parents were trying to name his “Marcus” but had strange lisps. 3-ball from Goran Dragic and it’s 12-6 Suns. Good to see Dragic leading a team after he showed so much talent in the postseason years ago as the backup to Steve Nash.

And-1 Dragic!!! Ok I might just give up half way if things get out of hand and cheer for the Suns. Don’t hate the blogger, hate the team.

Pietrus checks to in the game. I have no comment on this development yet. 21-14 Suns off some aggressive play from Lowry.

Some real patchwork defence and hapless offence here for the Raps. Derozan is doing his best Bargnani impersonation by deciding that screw it, he doesn’t have to actually make shots–it’s the attempts that count yolo.

Ahaha camera pans to Drake sitting courtside, looking particularly Jewish and reppin’ the gold watch. Jack Armstrong says he only knows one Drake song–“Best I Ever Had”. I wonder if he’s referring to the censored version…

Derooooooozan on the break. Ok he’s forgiven. 25-19 Suns after one. Damn right that rhymed.


2nd quarter, Jermaine O’Neal with the bucket. Wait what??? Isn’t he, like, 45? Hmm, I am suspicious. Someone check his birth certificate.

Really liking this defence here in the second quarter; I predict a lead going into the half. And just as I wrote that, T-Ross sauces it up from deep, tie ballgame 29-29.

Jared Dudley answers back with a 3. Calm. Then Amir nails his second straight jimmy. Dudley comes back with a long 2. Calderon responds with a quick layup. Sebastian Telfair gets one of his own. Then Pietrus for 3! Whoa so much offense!!! Timeout at 36-36, time to rest my mandibles.

Teams slog it out for a bit, the one bright spot being a Terrence Ross fast-break slammy-jam. 42-40 Suns.

Matt Devlin: “Bargnani, with the rebound, his first!” Ha. Ha. Ha.

Michael Beasley, didn’t the corn rows go out of style when Allen Iverson left the NBA? 52-46. So much for taking a lead into the half…Derozan with the jimmy for 52-48, a missed Markieff Morris shot and then Kyle Lowry with the last-second 3……..sticks it!!!!! 52-51 halftime. Swaggy dag dag.


3rd quarter, Kleiza for tree!!! Let’s have an actual 3rd quarter this time and not drop 19 points…

Raptors up 1, a goofy high school-looking stretch where 40% of players end up on the floor and Phoenix takes a timeout down 3. Can you dig it?

Camera pans to Armstrong and Devs in the booth and I am reminded of Jack Armstrong’s glorious handlebar moustache, although I’m not sure if that’s an actual moustache or if a weasel has decided to hibernate on his lip for a month. Or an ermine, seeing as it’s turning white. Animals rock.

Speaking of animals, JV drills the mid-range 2 and Gortat answers right back. #gritty

Derozan cuts in for 2 and cuts it to 72-20 with a couple minutes to go in the third. Now, I bet before the game that the final score would be under 200, and surprisingly, it looks like it won’t be. I guess neither of these teams really cares about playing defence, preferring to just dole out fouls. Phoenix has now sunk 15 free throws.

Ed Davis scores one of the ugliest baskets you’ll see in the NBA but hey, he’s playing well. Raps end the quarter up 1, despite the best efforts from Demar Derozan for the last-second o-reb alley-oop shot. Just a wee bit late.

Actually nope, they reviewed it and apparently D’s was fouled with .3 seconds left so the basket counts and he gets a free throw! Raps by 4, Devlin is literally having convulsions of joy. Seriously, someone should put this on youtube. Me, I’ll just hex hold another sheep. No big deal, I’m in Wales.


Bang! Big start to the 4th quarter with Amir Johnson and Ed Davis, as Jack says, bringin’ the hammer!!!

“Get that garbage outta here!” Man, it’s been too long since I last heard that…good times.

Amir with and-1, he’s got 13, Jose with the dime, vintage Rappage right here. And all the while Bargnani sits on the bench, fondling his two points like the giant pasta-loving tween girl that he is. Raptors up by 6.

Movember alert: will Jack keep the ‘stache? Hmm…let’s spam his twitter. Does he even have twitter? Do you even lift, bro?

Drinking game idea: take a shot every time Matt Devlin uses the word “crafty” to describe Luis Scola. If he doesn’t, hex hold your drink.

Back on the attack, Pietrus zones in from deep but Phoenix isn’t going away. 95-93 Raptors. Oh god looks like another close loss is in store. Or will someone be the hero? I’m getting tired of asking that question.

Lowry misses, it’s a one-point game. Then a good defensive play from Bargnani (yep) leads to a fast break, Amir throws down. He’s been fierce.

Jolly Jack with the sing & dance to YMCA being played at the arena. If nothing else, we have this to tell our kids about when they see the Raptors franchise goes bankrupt and is bought out by evil Italian mafia moguls.

Suns score, it’s 98-97 Raptors. Suns with the ball, 33 seconds left. Nestle C-c-c-crunch time.

BIG defence from Bargnani, we get the stop and Lowry is intentionally fouled. He makes one of two–in the words of Matt Devlin, “agony”. I feel ya, bruv.

Here we go–one more stop to go.

We get it! Bargnani knocks down the dagger free throws, Devlin goes bananas. We did it, folks.


Game Goat: Everyone played pretty well so I’m going to give this to Dominic McGuire, as I likely won’t have the chance to again. His output of zero points due to not being on the team any more is actually right around what he’s been giving us the 2 weeks. No wait, it’s exactly the output he’s been giving us. Sayonara Doms!

Game Toad: Andrea Bargnani didn’t do a lot offensively (4 points), but then again he didn’t go 2 for 19, and he played some hard defence down the stretch. The toad he thus is.

Game Bench: Amir Johnson and Jose Calderon, Amir dropping 16 points off the bench and Jose with 9 assists, many of them to Amir. Those two, Pietrus and Davis (all coming off the bench) combined to be +46 on the night. Doin’ it real big. W!

Questions, comments, death threats? Fire away. Nos da!



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